through tests and trials ;
Everyone needs compassion
And love that never fails
Let mercy fall on me
When everyone needs forgiveness
Kindness of the Saviour
The Hope of the nation
Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender
Shine a light in and
let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and
let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king
Thursday, 4 July 2013
-02:55
Today, everything that mattered sunk in. I understood that for the matter of fact, I'm losing it.
It seems like I'm being tested again and again in relationships building. Each time when a feeling develops, a friend happens to have the same feeling for her too. I guess that in a way I'm tested and these trials happen to make me certain if im ready for any relationship. To let go the previous one, I muster great courage not by myself alone but with Him. I understood the need to surrender my all to Him. I was reminded each time of the analogy of a coconut and a monkey. There is a tribe that always like to hunt down monkeys for food. However, everyone knew that monkeys are very agile and it is hard to shoot them down with the bow and arrow they've gotten. As such, one wise men devised a trap, one that can lure the monkeys. firstly, they cut a small hole from the coconut. then they poured out the coconut water and filled it will wonderful smelling, piping hot rice. The aroma reached the monkeys and the hungry side of them just wanted to reach out for the rice within the coconut. However, as they squeezed their hand in, they are unable to take their hand out. As they grabbed the rice within, their hand is shaped in a fist, and this tightens against the coconut. The hunters then took their own sweet time to chase after the monkey, knowing that they are unable to escape with their clenched fist in the coconut. The greed of the monkey got the better of them and i realised i was not much different from those monkeys. I grabbed hold to opportunities but i never really let it go to God. I didn't surrender it all. are we all not like the monkeys? many would blame that it is human nature but that's not the reason! Just as i surrendered the past hurt to Him, i guess i didnt surrender my life. what goes on to mean that i have surrendered my life to God? in essence, what does it mean to surrender my all? From what i see, my friendship is going nowhere. im persistently affected by it. i cant have a relationship w her though i have alr developed some feelings. argh friendships are important. maybe im just too tired to try? or if i try, does it mean i didn't really surrender it all to Him?
oh well. it doesnt help when i've a whole lot of backlog to complete - e50, tax comps, toastmasters, installation ceremony, renewals. It's been a bad week for me. perhaps the prior good weeks made me procrastinate. and i've yet to book accommodation for the taiwan trip. argh. i need perseverance. one day. one day i'll come to understand. that all that i've been doing/trying is worth it because it's His plan for me.
JIA YOU!
Saturday, 20 October 2012
-00:08
many things in my life has changed drastically. even my love. i'm not someone who ask for much but perhaps i did in the past. perhaps ive asked for too much, got too selfish in trying to love and be loved. my life is in a wreck now. at times when i think im rational, i calm myself and try to see things positively. when im not, i tend to feel like giving up on myself altogether. now, current moment, i feel like i've reached the end of the road, i cant turn back, i cant go forward. i cant turn left, i cant move to the right. all i can do is wait, slowly let myself crash.
my life has become you-centric. everything that's happening, it revolves around you. it wasnt like that, it should be like that. i know but i cant do a thing about it now. the price is too hefty to give up what i treasure the most. in the past, you were my angel, you talked to me, you made me feel loved, you cared about me, cared about my well being. yes, you were busy but you spared some time for me, for my feelings. now, it's different. you hardly respond to me over the phone, over msges. everything. it seems like ive lost my place altogether in your heart.
if you are unable to commit because of reasons like your brother or studies, i can totally comprehend. i can give you the space and time. but if time is spent on leisure or perhaps looking up other people, then idk what to do. im never gonna stop you from doing anything ever again. for the sake of the relationship, im willing to give up any say i even have to begin with. im willing to listen, be an effective listener and be the one thats always there for you regardless of how things turn out.
im tired, i really am. i lost many things in life, too much to even mention about losing you. everything i've done in life, it was really planned with you in mind. thats why i said i became you-centric. i can really feel the heartache. ive not taken a back seat in your life. rather ive taken the last seat in your life. everything else come first. your family, your studies, your friends, your ex. i feel like i can only get your care when im around you caring for you. even so, idk what to do.
trust me, my life is in tatters. torn and worn out. let me try to put things in perspective. before i met you, i had the motivation to study ACCA. when i came into nus biz, i half wanted to give up ACCA because i dont think i can cope. moreover, ive been doing relatively okay in the subject. but when i met you, i realised i need to be a higher achiever. i have to complete ACCA on top of my business degree, so i persevered. but in the course of doing so, i didnt do well for both my degree and ACCA. but in a way our r/s didnt work out perfectly fine too. we had our problems. after which, i took up vocals. in a way, put it nicely, it is for my own interest. but in another way, i just wanted to sing well for you on many occasions. it can be our anniversary, it can be the day i ask for your hand, it can be during wedding itself. i had the big picture in mind but i cant tell you these. then you seemed bothered by me not having cca or holding any positions. so i took up toastmasters. part of it to improve my speaking skills, part of it to be in an organisation so you wont look down on me. to keep up to your expectations, i even took up an exco position so as to make it seem like im achieving somehow. but that was not enough for you. you hoped i can join a nus cca as well and probably hold an exco position. so i did. once again i joined one and got onto the main comm. now theres too much on my plate. i really need the emotional support and encouragement to keep going to achieve instead of falling. i need you to be my pillar of strength. you were there for me each and every time. but when you mentioned about wanting out and leaving me. i felt lost. everything seems to tumble. ive nowhere to run, ive got nowhere to hide. i just want to make things right again between us. i hope we can get back the feeling somehow.
i give in not because i fear, but because i treasure. sometimes compromise is more than just me letting things go and giving in. i rather win the relationship and lose the argument, than to win one and lose the relationship. i treasure you and therefore, i persist to make things right for us. i really hope somehow you know even though you wont read this..
Monday, 1 October 2012
-20:24
All I hoped for was someone who would think of me, know the situation, understand and not pursue when it mattered. Someone who is willing to wait in school to study til my paper ended and comfort me somehow after all that has happened. Someone who cares. ))))):
Thursday, 6 September 2012
-21:54
Everyone says trust is key but no one cares about the process. It is very easy for your parents to say that I should learn to trust their daughter but no one knows that to trust, someone needs to give you the reasons to trust.life is not as simple as you make it out to be.yes life can be simple but we cannot make it that simple ourselves. There are always something that doesn't allow us to conform tp the equation. When you are condemned, you will not be able to step out of it.
I'm so tired. I need a girl who loves me.someone to care for me.no matter how much wrong has been done, when the other family sees me so negatively, I feel so helpless because there is nothing I can do to change the situation.there are many forces that is against me right now and I don't know where I can seek solace in.
For the jailbirds who often say that 法官判我十年，社会判我死刑.
.I totally share those sentiments now. She judged me today, her parents judged me for life.
Monday, 12 December 2011
-10:49
Dear Blog,
truth be told, im getting a little weary.
Scenario 1: if i didnt mention it right at the beginning and dont give a thought about it, you'd have gone out with cc or fx. i'd appear to be drifting because i dont give any thoughts about anything. and you'll happily be out with cc, fx or anybody else. you'll be happy, you'll soon see the same situation as the previous one that you've encountered. you'll find them more interesting. you'll wonder why i dont seem to care.
Scenario 2: if i choose to be against the idea of going out alone with cc, fx or anybody, i'll appear to be restrictive, to be over possessive. I cant let you to become you. I dont respect you. Yeah all these hurtful stuffs get hurled back at me. 'oh in other words, you just dont have faith in me la' you see? if things are being probed, it becomes no faith, no respect, no true you.
im seriously sandwiched between these 2 which i can be neither, blog. Blog, why cant you understand my dilemma? How sure are you that cc or fx (or those you intend to go out alone with) arent interested in you? Yes, you can assure me now that oh they like you and you cant stop them but as long as you dont reciprocate it will be fine. How certain are you that you wont waiver despite all their doings? Perhaps, the way you handled things in the past really did have an impact on the things today but it's definitely not the sole reason.
When i mentioned group, you were adamant that they dont exist, you dont belong to any. you chose to believe that way and refused to listen what i was saying. you totally just blocked me off. how is this trying to understand what im saying? how is this trying to listen? the reason why i mentioned group was really simple, if you do hang out in a group, and if cc, fx or whoever really do have any feelings, they are more unlikely to do anything funny? Well, if you cant see this point then basically i've failed in raising such awareness.
You kept insisting that you'll try and things dont change / happen overnight but each time you try, are you merely doing it for the sake of doing? or do you see the underlying reason and do things with love? 'oh btw im chatting w XYZ', 'good morning' in the event you do receive these from me, will you see what i see? because from my POV, they seemed forced like oh im supposed to do this so i do it just to make you happy -end of story- how are things gonna be happier this way? you asked me to remind you when youre not doing/saying the things you are supposed to. if i were to remind you, in a way im forcing things upon you and making you do things you dont want to do? if you arent even doing all these things with love, with conscious effort, in what way are you passionate about all these things? you simply do not believe in the mechanics of all the things you've been doing on a routine. Does a mum wash clothes because she thinks she has to wash to make the whole family happy? then she'll think 'oh, i forgot to wash. kk i go wash' OR do the mum wash clothes because she loves the family, because she wants the family to have clean clothes to wear when going out? We often take things for granted. Having clean clothes each time we go out, taking pocket money, having a roof above our head. Did our parents not do those things out of love? the underlying message i'm trying to bring across is - things are meant to be done with love. if you dont love what youre doing, then you'll always be unhappy doing the things you are TOLD to do, rather than you exercise your own conscious effort to do for others. if you love dance, you'll practise randomly, you'll stretch on your bed just trying to be able to do a split someday. if you love singing, you'll sing randomly, you'll put in an effort to try to correct the problems faced in singing. you LOVE smth, you'll make an EFFORT to do it without being told because subconsciously, you love whatever you're doing.
you say life is tough. no one ever said life was simple. without a challenge, how do we strive? but it's about how we change that mindset to become positive. how we make that challenge interesting, fun and enjoyable! no one was borned with the ability to excel well for exams, to be able to play squash, to be able to shoot an arrow. we learn as we grow. we accept difficulties when we face one but we do not admit defeat right at the sight of one.
of the 80% of the time, im sorry and i do admit it's my fault for always pursuing things you do not like to correct. i do admit i was negative about many things and i've myself to blame. but somehow i do hope sometimes you can make me positive, tell me things, do things not for the sake of doing but out of your own gesture.
in short, i'll end it with something i learnt from somewhere -
speak sweeter, love deeper, give forgiveness, embrace eternity
honestly, i do hope you understand, Blog. I really seek your understanding in doing things not merely cos you HAVE to do it but you LOVE to do it.
From your beloved writer,
Glen
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
-22:27
baffled and defeated (me), i seek to make you happy and that alone will do.
it's indeed easier loving someone, than to be loved.
i'll not ask to be loved / understood anymore because it's something that should have been done without me asking but apparently ive done all i can in asking to be understood but to no avail.
-22:15
i feel like i'm losing myself. but that's okay :D
i feel like i'm not my usual. but that's okay :D
everything's okay if i set my mind to doing things like these if these makes you happy.
because each step i try to go forward, i end up falling back 3 steps. so why don't i take a few steps back so that this will pass like you wanted it to (:
