through tests and trials ;
Everyone needs compassion
And love that never fails
Let mercy fall on me
When everyone needs forgiveness
Kindness of the Saviour
The Hope of the nation
Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender
Shine a light in and
let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and
let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king
Saturday, 20 October 2012
-00:08
many things in my life has changed drastically. even my love. i'm not someone who ask for much but perhaps i did in the past. perhaps ive asked for too much, got too selfish in trying to love and be loved. my life is in a wreck now. at times when i think im rational, i calm myself and try to see things positively. when im not, i tend to feel like giving up on myself altogether. now, current moment, i feel like i've reached the end of the road, i cant turn back, i cant go forward. i cant turn left, i cant move to the right. all i can do is wait, slowly let myself crash.
my life has become you-centric. everything that's happening, it revolves around you. it wasnt like that, it should be like that. i know but i cant do a thing about it now. the price is too hefty to give up what i treasure the most. in the past, you were my angel, you talked to me, you made me feel loved, you cared about me, cared about my well being. yes, you were busy but you spared some time for me, for my feelings. now, it's different. you hardly respond to me over the phone, over msges. everything. it seems like ive lost my place altogether in your heart.
if you are unable to commit because of reasons like your brother or studies, i can totally comprehend. i can give you the space and time. but if time is spent on leisure or perhaps looking up other people, then idk what to do. im never gonna stop you from doing anything ever again. for the sake of the relationship, im willing to give up any say i even have to begin with. im willing to listen, be an effective listener and be the one thats always there for you regardless of how things turn out.
im tired, i really am. i lost many things in life, too much to even mention about losing you. everything i've done in life, it was really planned with you in mind. thats why i said i became you-centric. i can really feel the heartache. ive not taken a back seat in your life. rather ive taken the last seat in your life. everything else come first. your family, your studies, your friends, your ex. i feel like i can only get your care when im around you caring for you. even so, idk what to do.
trust me, my life is in tatters. torn and worn out. let me try to put things in perspective. before i met you, i had the motivation to study ACCA. when i came into nus biz, i half wanted to give up ACCA because i dont think i can cope. moreover, ive been doing relatively okay in the subject. but when i met you, i realised i need to be a higher achiever. i have to complete ACCA on top of my business degree, so i persevered. but in the course of doing so, i didnt do well for both my degree and ACCA. but in a way our r/s didnt work out perfectly fine too. we had our problems. after which, i took up vocals. in a way, put it nicely, it is for my own interest. but in another way, i just wanted to sing well for you on many occasions. it can be our anniversary, it can be the day i ask for your hand, it can be during wedding itself. i had the big picture in mind but i cant tell you these. then you seemed bothered by me not having cca or holding any positions. so i took up toastmasters. part of it to improve my speaking skills, part of it to be in an organisation so you wont look down on me. to keep up to your expectations, i even took up an exco position so as to make it seem like im achieving somehow. but that was not enough for you. you hoped i can join a nus cca as well and probably hold an exco position. so i did. once again i joined one and got onto the main comm. now theres too much on my plate. i really need the emotional support and encouragement to keep going to achieve instead of falling. i need you to be my pillar of strength. you were there for me each and every time. but when you mentioned about wanting out and leaving me. i felt lost. everything seems to tumble. ive nowhere to run, ive got nowhere to hide. i just want to make things right again between us. i hope we can get back the feeling somehow.
i give in not because i fear, but because i treasure. sometimes compromise is more than just me letting things go and giving in. i rather win the relationship and lose the argument, than to win one and lose the relationship. i treasure you and therefore, i persist to make things right for us. i really hope somehow you know even though you wont read this..
Monday, 1 October 2012
-20:24
All I hoped for was someone who would think of me, know the situation, understand and not pursue when it mattered. Someone who is willing to wait in school to study til my paper ended and comfort me somehow after all that has happened. Someone who cares. ))))):
